If you are reading this, that means am dead. I don’t know my current location but am certain it’s not hell. I’m stuck in a huge space as my creator decides my fate. He is probably in a dilemma because I did most things right and a few wrongs. Nostalgia. In class three I add pepper to a duster and the teacher started sneezing. This might land me in hell. I also a has a great argument with him of the murder of my daddy. Damn, second reason. This place is serene. Wind whistling and clouds whispering. The peace and joy in this place are tremendous. Daddy is here too. Happy and restful. I will let him know that you guys are OK. The solemn reason of writing this is to explain why I did what I did.
Mama,
Let me take you back seven years ago when I was seven. you had sent me to the shops to grab a bar of soap. It was late and the sun was slow sinking. Being an obedient child, I didn’t want to disappoint you. I ran as fast as I could. Five hundred meters away from home, something hair-raising happened to me. Our neighbor’s son tried to rape me. Yes mama. I was only seven. I have never been so scared my entire life. The good innocent young man. A wolf in a sheep’s coat. The one you fed every day after work. Let me say that the stars were on my side. The hunters freaked him out and he ran. That’s not the worst thing, no its is not. The most messed up thing is that you didn’t notice how disturbed and shaken I was. How I cried to sleep. How I was scared to go to school alone, how I cling to your skirts so tight when I saw him. I didn’t eat that night despite my love for food. I didn’t want to cause you trauma so I kept my mouth shut. How could you not notice?? How ma? How? How didn’t you even notice the withdrawal symptoms?? How didn’t you notice the polite shift from an extrovert to an introvert?? I don’t blame toy. I blame your obsession with success. I blame me for being to good to spill it. I blame you for lack of emotional concern. I blame me for a high IQ. Mama, you should have been there for me. You were too bust trying to make me a winner that you forgot I needed emotional support. Too bad am gone now. There is one thing you can do for me though, create awareness on mental health. Take care of people who need it. Make people smile. Thank you for bringing me up. I’m sorry ma, I tried to give you every sign but you were too blind to see. I tried to make you proud ma. God knows I tried. Every deed, every card, every move, all meant for you. To make you glow, to give you ripples of joy and goosebumps, to clear wrinkles. I really tried.
Sister,
I’m sorry am gone but I hope you coping on your own. Thank you for never being there for me. Thank you for being too obsessed with your career to care. Thank you for all the times that you were absent with apology. Roll the clock to your teenage days. How you jeopardized my stay at home. Do you remember the day you crawled out of the house to meet your boyfriend? Does this ring a bell? Lier! Do you remember what you told me? It’s going to take me a minute and I will be back. How many minutes did you take? 4320, huh? Very convenient. Of course, you have no clue what happened to me when you were gone. How could you know? You found me wearing a brave face and a large smile. Every arch of my face glowing. Yeah, like nothing happened. Let me fill you in. Mama and papa came home and found you missing. I used my creativity to cover up for you, shallow headed girl. I lied for you. The next day you didn’t show up. Mama called your best friend parents’ and found out that you were missing. They panicked. I dint want to betray you so I kept my mouth shut. You crucified me. Mama thought I was lying. I was thrashed with a cooking stick. Were they hundred or more? I even lost the count. My butt was so sour. I still didn’t set you up. I was whipped every time you fucked up. The worse was when you scored 70 in arithmetic and I had 100. I was thrashed with a pipe for your failure. Papa told me I should have reminded you to study. How was I supposed to solve all your problems? there was a time you went to watch soccer and got late to get home. I was nine sis, I cooked to avoid trouble. That day was ok, you got me a Chelsea t-shirt written Drogba at the back. Then you grew up and got married. You forgot I had your back all the time. You even forgot my second name. wait, what’s my second name? now you crying calm down. You had a chance to fix that but you didn’t. you showed up four years later after papa died and started the drama all over again. You were ungrateful and selfish. If you were a little kind, I could be right there with you. Am in a better place. Someday, I hope you will transform to a better flower than a rose. A rose is beautiful and sweet smelling but has thorns that prick.
Brother,
I don’t know where to commence but I was never thrashed for you. In class six you skipped school and I had for fake a letter saying that you were home sick, signatory dad. That’s how deep I loved you. Then you did it over and over again. One day papa caught me using his pen and copying his handwriting, I will never forget how hard he pinched me. I still look at the marks he left on my thighs. He never told anyone that I had impersonated him six times. Do you remember the day you were playing street soccer and asked me to milk the cows? The red one, spilled half the milk and stepped on my right foot. I had to add water to make up for the loss. I could not risk reporting the accident. The next morning, milk was rejected at the dairy. Daddy was very furious but you, reckless brother had no clue. After papa died, I was still studying. you abandoned mummy and I and went to the city. I had to get a job. I tried calling you to tell you that mum was sick and uncle was grabbing our stuff but you didn’t pick my calls. How was I supposed to stand up for all of us? I gave up and we lost everything. Daddy knew you could take care of us. What he didn’t know is that you were selfish and a coward. I had to ‘man up’ and fix the mess left behind. Two years later, you had the guts to call me and ask for a tittle deed. I laughed at your wild joke. Who does that? Instead of asking how I was doing all you needed was land entitlement. I was really furious. I told you to dig it at daddy tomb. That was evil. Even Satan makes sure his servants are roasting ok in hell. You were materialistic and self-centered. I worked so hard to mend your flaws. Let me make your heart bleed. let me make you scream in memory of me. Thereafter be a better person
Government,
You were the most complicated of all. How do I set the ball rolling? I will be very random. I will remind you of every ship you have wrecked and every passenger you have helped drown. The voting day I tried to get the right person in power but he lost. I had to adjust to the bad decisions, nuisance and lack of a definite plan. How many roads remain unconstructed? How many hospitals lack drugs and enough doctors? Mismanagement of funds has ruined our economy. Those who challenge your bad governance end up dead of disappear in thin air. How justice is for the rich. I know you know what am talking about. How couldn’t make one thing right? Just one. Flash back. 2007, tribal clashes. Bloodshed and destruction of property. Call me crazy, but I can pit all the details across with lots of precision. Children crying, women wailing, houses burning. I will never forget how we hid in a maize farm and watched our house blazed down to ashes and everything we owned. The only thing we had left was what we wore. How do you sleep at night knowing that you are responsible for hundred deaths and thousands of orphans? How? How do you go to a church and act like nothing ever happened? Anyway, let me ceasing judging you. Prior to my death, you did something that pissed me off. You tore down my house in Kariobangi and my mums in Ruai. History repeating itself. You destroyed my shit. The worst bit about that, we were in the middle of a pandemic. This made me extremely vulnerable and exposed to covid19. I was among the unlucky on, I got infected and die. You are one of the reasons am dead. I hope someday you will do just one thing right for the people that elected you. People who trusted you with power hoping to end up in Canaan. I hope someday, the people will replace you and your corrupt system. They deserve better than this.
Friends,
This is a group of Judas and the descendants of Cain. Guys full of conspiracy theories and betrayal. People who can make you dinner and still poison you. People who can buy you drinks and still let you drive drunk. People who will hug you holding a knife ready to slit your throat. People who will show concern while enjoying your down fall. You crooks, I hope you will be better.
You,
Am very angry at you. Am angry for having everybody’s back while very few had yours. Am angry for quitting. Am angry for giving up. Am angry for not fighting. Am furious because I knew you were a warrior and you lost a battle. Am fuming for using liquor to suppress stress, weed to postpone your problems and sex to avoid reality. Am proud of you for letting music keep you going. For every time you didn’t know how to swim and you didn’t drown, for every fall that you rose and tried again, for every sinking in the mud that you kept your head up to continue breathing, for every failure you made a success. Am sorry I let you down.
DISCLAIMER
The events are pure creativity in relation to what has been happening in Kenya. The persona is imaginary
From the land of the dead
EcEssie
